So next weekend I am going to the wedding of one of my good friends (“Erica”). She has been one of those people who’s not around every day or every month for that matter, but every time I see her we pick up where we left off and she’s great womanly advice for a man like me. I met Erica through an ex-girlfriend of mine (we’ll call the ex “Janet”). Janet and I had been dating for a few months when I met her friend “Dale.” Dale and I became aquainted and Dale began dating Erica. Dale and I ended up sharing an apartment for nine months and I became a bit closer with Erica. Janet and I broke up about a year after Dale and mine’s lease was up on the apartment and I didn’t hear or see Dale or Erica anymore. Erica and I ran into each other on that ever so popular MySpace and I found out that Erica was no longer dating Dale. Two months later Erica was dating her soon to be husband and here we are, full circle.
The reason I went through that boring explanation of how I know Erica is because Erica and Janet are still friends. Now, I haven’t seen Erica for a couple months because of her impending wedding plans, but last I heard from her is that her and Janet had a bit of a falling out. Either way, here is why I mention all of this; I really think Janet will be at this wedding. Now, I will some day get to the whole explanation of Janet and I and what happened there, but let’s just say it ended nicely but for whatever reason I’ve heard through the network of friends that Janet increasingly got angry with me as the months after we broke up went by.
I saw Janet a couple times while hanging out with friends in a few bars here and there and Janet always seemed to do her best to ignore me or turn and walk the other way. This was perplexing to me, especially since Janet and I had ended things on good terms. So this is my conundrum, I’ll be seeing Janet for the first time in years and although I am one who looks at the past for what it is and was, I can’t help but think this may be slightly akward. Now in all honesty, I am mature about this, I really could care less about what happened to make her dislike me more and more in time because I see no reason for it, but I can’t help but think she’s going to force some type of “showdown” or confrontation upon me.
To me, that relationship is what it was. It was my last serious relationship (going on almost three years ago now) and I definitely DEFINITELY grew up as a result of it. That may sound crude, AS A RESULT OF IT, but I am believer in the fact that you live and learn; that is to say that because of my experiences, good and bad, in that relationship I am able to be a better person and better boyfriend in the future. I have no desire to resolve any hidden issues that Janet may have, if there are any. What I mean is that I don’t mean to sound arrogant or like I had this enormous effect on the woman that she has unresolved issues, but I just don’t want anything of the sort to come up. I’ve heard through friends that she has found herself a successful job and that she has been doing well and in all honesty I am happy for her. I hope, that if our paths do cross at this wedding, that she will exude that success and we can both move past what was and look ahead to what it helped us become. On the other hand, there is also the possiblity (and knowing Janet, the likelyhood) of her completely ignoring and avoiding me throughout the reception. This would be incredibly uncomfortable not only for me but for the various mutual acquaintances that will be attending the reception.
I don’t know quite how to react to this. Six months ago when Erica told me about her engagement and impending nuptials, I must be honest, the thought crossed my mind to grab one of my hottest “girl friends” and take her with me for the sole purpose of making Janet a bit jealous. Of course that’s not very Nice Guyish (yes, I said it, “guyish”), but I am a man and the thought was briefly entertained. As it stands, I did RSVP solo and am completely comfortable in that decision.
I am at odds on how to react if Janet does avoid me, or if she looks to resolve issues within herself, or if she tries to make me look foolish in front of others. I guess this is where I ask you all…what should I do? How should I react in these situations? Maybe I should just grab the best looking girl at the wedding and make out with her right in front of Janet…no, that wouldn’t be very mature. Hell, I’m a Nice Guy right? Help…
Do not engage her on this! Your instincts are right. I would at the start of the reception, graciously walk up to her say hello, tell her she looks great, see how she is and then excuse yourself to get a drink. If she ignores you, do your best to not let it get to you. If she tries to start in on you about the past say something like “this is such a happy occassion lets not ruin it by bringing up something negative about the past” smile and walk away. thats it. simple. let her make the fool out of herself.
Well you both of you will be having common friends with whom you would have lot to catch up with…neither of you would like to make them uncomfortable…so both of you will pretend of getting along well if not actually…
I’m with AB. “Nice guys” take the high road, “Mean guys” make out with random chicks in front of their ex’s.
I think polite avoidance might not be bad. If you don’t make her uncomfortable then she’s got no real reason to raise her hackles, right? Maybe a smile and “how are you?” could work, but if she’s going to get competitive it’s probably best to walk away. Another idea might be to take a mutual friend with you when you approach to keep her reaction in check… Just a thought!
I know exactly what you’re going through because I went and am still going through it myself. My relationship with my ex ended badly and I was angry for a few months, to a point where she hated me because of accusations I made about her, I apologized to her (although part of me still thinks it’s true) and i thought that was taht. However, it’s been 2 years since I’ve really spoken to her, I tried one time at an occasion to say hi only to get the cold ignoring routine. Every time she sees me with our mutual friends at the same social occasions, she completely ignores me, despises me, and I guess seems to be creeped out by me. Even my friends tell me the same thing. The only thing I can think of is that she’s not over me, but hey, I keep saying to myself “get over it!” there’s no need to hate me, all my friends and family know how well I treated her and how badly she treated me, and now I can say that I feel like the better person because I don’t let her get to me. If someone can’t let go and get over what happened nearly 2 years ago then they must have some issues.